What does your writing style say about you? ...and other thoughts on life in general.

I've pretty much given up on a day-to-day chatter style of writing. For five years, I posted on this blog at least every few weeks; sometimes more. Now, however, I find myself turning more and more to fiction.

Oh, I've always done fiction, but it was never the escape it is now. I think it was more of a fun exercise. These days it feels very cleansing. I can go somewhere else, somewhere I want to be.

It's not that my life is so horrible; on the contrary, most days it's very good and I know that I am blessed. It's more that I'm beginning to realize some things about life in general that I was never aware of until recently.

Life is not just life; life is also death, and learning to deal with death. Life is not just about having things and people around you; it's about learning how to gracefully lose those things and people. Life is not just about pleasant things, and I'm slowly -- VERY slowly -- beginning to understand that.

What I'm having an especially hard time with is how to accept all this. Society today doesn't teach you how to lose anything. It's not acceptable to lose at sports or games or any competition. It's not acceptable to lose money or influence or power. It's certainly not acceptable to lose a person, whether through death or any other situation.

That's one of the things I envy the people from, say, Colonial days or pioneer days. They were very much in touch with death and loss.

It's not that I want to be close to death. Not at all. I'd prefer to never come into contact with it. But as I said, unfortunately death is part of life. What I would like is to be less sensitive to it. For my own sake. I freely admit it's a selfish motivation.

I also freely admit that good may come from losing (or just plain not having) things and people.

Making approximately $12,000 a year with some rather hefty bills to pay has been excellent for me. I shop at Goodwill and the Salvation Army, proudly. An occasional cup of coffee from Tim Horton's seems like a treat to me. I sew and mend my clothes, and polish my shoes instead of buying new ones. I help tend gardens and forage for wild herbs and plants to eat.

Having to say "no" to most of the things I want is a hard lesson but a good one. I don't mind it, most days.

Losing people can teach you to appreciate the ones you still have in your life. Losing people can teach you to empathize with those who've lost someone, or help someone through their grieving. When you've been there, you know a little bit more about how to help.

Still, knowing that good can come of loss doesn't make the loss any easier to take. Nothing makes it easier. Yes, we have a good God who cares for us, but it doesn't mean we're never going to lose anyone, and it definitely doesn't mean that all pain is taken away.

That's hard. You feel like having a loving God should make everything, everything sweet and joyful, but that just isn't the case most of the time. Don't mistake me -- going through loss doesn't mean that God has deserted you and left you to face things alone. He's still there. But having someone alongside you during a hard time doesn't necessarily make that hard time any easier.

It's like having someone kneeling next to you with an arm around you when you're on your knees throwing up in the bathroom. It doesn't make the nausea go away. You love that someone wants to help, but it doesn't mean that you instantly feel better.

Life just doesn't work that way.

Maybe someday I'll be able to wrap my mind around all this.