Hah! I knew it.

My mother and I stopped by a local antique store the other day to hunt for...well, I don't really know what we were looking for. She was keeping one eye out for old windows to make a greenhouse, and I was looking for metal or glass containers to hold foodstuffs for Civil War re-enacting. One can never have too many containers.

However, as I aimlessly wandered through the store, I just had a feeling I would find something that was somehow related to Daniel Boone. The TV show, not the person. I've been watching the show ever since Christmas, when my parents made the mistake of buying me Seasons 1-5. Poor, poor parents. My mother constantly complains about how often she hears the theme song blaring and the loud "SWISSSHH!" of the hatchet as the DVD information pops up on the screen. Heh, heh.

I've always loved Fess Parker -- spend too much time as a child watching endless reruns of Davy Crockett and the River Pirates and Davy Crockett: King of the Wild Frontier (had that theme song memorised too). Oh, and I absolutely ADORED The Light in the Forest. That's still one of my favourite movies to this day.

So, naturally, when I saw Daniel Boone advertised in a catalogue, for a very nice price I might add, I blatantly dropped a hint to my mother about Christmas pressies. Of course she took the hint, and as I said, ever since Christmas I've been watching DB.

Anyway, a few minutes after entering the antique store, I happened upon a box full of small records. My antiquer's instinct kicked in big time, and I knew there was something DB-related inside that box -- just knew it. I pawed through all the records, and near the bottom of the bunch I found what I had known was there...a very nice copy of a record by the Ames Brothers!!!! Yippee!

Yes, yes, I hear you..."What have the Ames Brothers got to do with Daniel Boone??"

I'm so pleased you asked. You see, on the show DB had a friend named Mingo -- a tall, Oxford-educated, half-British half-Cherokee fellow, quite handsome, with a lovely voice. I could think of all kinds of descriptive phrases. But I sha'n't, for your sake.

Mingo was portrayed by Ed Ames, who was and is a well-known singer. He and his three brothers had a vocal group begun sometime in the '50s, I believe. They had a good many hits, and he went on to record plenty of solo hits after they disbanded. I couldn't believe I'd never heard of him before watching DB!!! Oh, what had I missed? Plenty, apparently.

But I am now attempting to make up for it. Hence, the $3.23 spent on a nice Ames Brothers record. Now I only have to haul my 6o-pound record player down from the attic...huzzay. But it will be worth it, I think. Not to mention, I found a lovely Fess Parker record in a bundle of stuff my mother brought home from a yard sale the other day. It says something like, "Peter Pan Peanut Butter Brings You: Fess Parker, Singing Songs from Davy Crockett!" Huzzay!!!

Why? Please, tell me why.

I am perplexed. Why, when library patrons are told they owe fine money for keeping their books longer than the allotted borrowing time, are they so astounded?

Case in point.

Me: Hello. Can I help you?

Patron: Yes. I have seven holds to pick up and I'm checking out these books.

Me: OK. Great!

I look at patron's record and see 16 overdues.

Me: Did you have some books that you just brought back today?

Patron: Yes. They're in the book drop.

Me: OK.

I check out patron's books. As I reach for the last one...

Patron: No. Not that one. I don't want that one.

Me: Oh. All right.

*thinks to self: If you didn't want it, why did you put it in your pile?*

Patron: I have seven holds to pick up.

Me: Yep!

*thinks to self: I heard you the first time.*

I check out holds to patron.

Me: OK, that will be $3.50 to pick up the holds.

Patron: OK.

He hands over credit card. I run the card through the machine and give it back to him.

Patron: Is that all?

Me: Well, just to let you know, those books that you brought back today were overdue. Some of them by quite a lot, actually.

Patron. OK. How much?

Me: Well, I'll have to go get them out of the book drop and return them before I can see exactly how much. Let me get them.

Patron: OK.

I retrieve the books and return them.

Patron: Those ones there are probably overdue since December.

Me: Oh dear. Now, there are 7 more books out on your card that have not been returned. Would you like me to renew them?

Patron: Yes.

Me: All right, they all renewed. Everything you have out is due the 24th of this month.

Patron: So how much are the fines?

Me: Altogether it's at $49.50.

Patron: WHAT???!!!!

Me: ....

Patron: Fine. Here.

Patron hands me credit card again, and I run it through the machine again. When I return to the patron...

Me: Would you like to sign up for email notification from the library? We'll let you know a few days ahead of time when you have items coming due!

Patron: No. Nope.

Me: All right. Were you aware that you can go online to check when your items are due?

Patron. Yes.

Me: Great.

*thinks to self: Then why in the name of all that's holy are you so shocked when I tell you how much your fines are????? God, help me not to say something I regret...!!!*

I don't get it, and I don't think I ever will. We provide patrons with email notification if they will sign up. We make it super-easy to sign on to the library's website to check your due dates; all the information is there in a few clicks of the mouse. We provide an easy-to-navigate phone renewal system, either automated or speaking to a live person (they can take their pick). We provide them with an actual paper receipt with all their due dates and other information, which they could perhaps conceivably post on their refrigerator or their calendar or some other conspicuous place. Why, then, are they always so clueless and outraged when we tell them they have fines?? Can anyone tell me?????