I haven't blogged in a while (I know, duh, right?).  I wanted to post this on facebook but it was way to involved for facebook.  So I put it on the long-neglected blog!  Yay...?

Patron: "I need to get a card to use at this library."
Me: "Great. I need a photo ID with current address."
Patron produces Florida license.
Me: "I need something with your current address."
Patron: "That is current. I live in Florida."
Me: *blinks eyes rapidly attempting to mentally mesh the two phrases 'I want to use this library' and 'I live in Florida.'*
Patron: "AND I live just down the street from here."
Me:  "Okay.  So you own or rent property in Monroe County."
Patron: "Yes."
Me: "Do you have anything that can help me out with getting you a Monroe County card -- anything with your New York address on it??"
Patron rifles through wallet and pulls out a credit card, glances at my expression, then shoves it back in.  After a moment, comes up with an insurance card and plops that into my hands.
Patron: "There.  How about that?"
Me: "Does. It have. Your address."
Patron: "Oh, I see, you're going to be difficult about this...!"
 
*sigh*
 
I wish I could tell these people, "Look, when you've got problems, then I've got problems -- and I don't want any more than I've already got.  I don't enjoy being yelled at, so trust me, I do not spend my day thinking up ways to make you unhappy.  I like it when you're happy.  I like being happy too."
 
Slowly, I think, I'm learning to laugh about these things.  I may struggle with them initially, but then I go vent to my coworkers and, in the retelling, make them funnier than they actually were.  That helps me realize things aren't as serious as they seemed.  Most things in life aren't.
 
Perspective can be a hard thing to come by sometimes, and usually it's only the hard things in life that are successful in revealing it.
 
There, was that pithy enough to qualify as a halfway-decent blog entry?  Hehe!  ;p
 
Well, cheers, everyone.  Have a happy day.  :)

Seasonal Longings

Always around this time of year, I get the acute sense that time is passing far too quickly.  We only have a certain number of days left before once again we are shut inside, in a world of stale air and confinement.  Outside the window will be nothing green -- only white, or varying shades of black and brown.

I try to spend time outside, sitting in the sun and soaking in what life I can before everything turns cold, before the feeling of loss overwhelms me.  Like the pioneers scrambling to preserve food for winter, I'm trying to store up every bit of autumn I can to preserve my spirit through winter.

At work yesterday, at the library, I had 15 minutes for a break, and I decided that outside would be the best place to spend it.  This was the result.


The color outside the window beckons.
I obey, unquestioning.
Warmth and light wrap me in an autumn cocoon.

I sit in the sunshine and bask,
awareness and enjoyment
growing slowly.

A flash of fluffy red-brown
streaks through the trees,
nut securely held between sharp teeth.

Dusky-feathered shadows dart,
winging left and right
through tall constant green silence.

Mica-winged needlelike damselfly
exhibits spurts of whirring flight,
then stillness like stone.

Green-leaved stems of goldenrod
with heavy bronzed weatherbeaten heads
bow low in hopes of appeasing winter's fury.

Purple asters grow,
their rich color pearly in the sun
like the inside of an anemone shell.

Slick aspen leaves quiver, flutter, shimmer,
displaying more spangled elegance
than any couturier's model.

Low thick bushes grow
in cupcake shapes,
dotted with nonpareil berries.

Goldfinches flaunt their brilliance
against leafy darkness, their flight creating
bright gliding arcs of pure happiness.

Hold on, hold on. Don't go yet.
Ah, but "nothing gold can stay."
Wait, winter -- just a little while.

What does your writing style say about you? ...and other thoughts on life in general.

I've pretty much given up on a day-to-day chatter style of writing. For five years, I posted on this blog at least every few weeks; sometimes more. Now, however, I find myself turning more and more to fiction.

Oh, I've always done fiction, but it was never the escape it is now. I think it was more of a fun exercise. These days it feels very cleansing. I can go somewhere else, somewhere I want to be.

It's not that my life is so horrible; on the contrary, most days it's very good and I know that I am blessed. It's more that I'm beginning to realize some things about life in general that I was never aware of until recently.

Life is not just life; life is also death, and learning to deal with death. Life is not just about having things and people around you; it's about learning how to gracefully lose those things and people. Life is not just about pleasant things, and I'm slowly -- VERY slowly -- beginning to understand that.

What I'm having an especially hard time with is how to accept all this. Society today doesn't teach you how to lose anything. It's not acceptable to lose at sports or games or any competition. It's not acceptable to lose money or influence or power. It's certainly not acceptable to lose a person, whether through death or any other situation.

That's one of the things I envy the people from, say, Colonial days or pioneer days. They were very much in touch with death and loss.

It's not that I want to be close to death. Not at all. I'd prefer to never come into contact with it. But as I said, unfortunately death is part of life. What I would like is to be less sensitive to it. For my own sake. I freely admit it's a selfish motivation.

I also freely admit that good may come from losing (or just plain not having) things and people.

Making approximately $12,000 a year with some rather hefty bills to pay has been excellent for me. I shop at Goodwill and the Salvation Army, proudly. An occasional cup of coffee from Tim Horton's seems like a treat to me. I sew and mend my clothes, and polish my shoes instead of buying new ones. I help tend gardens and forage for wild herbs and plants to eat.

Having to say "no" to most of the things I want is a hard lesson but a good one. I don't mind it, most days.

Losing people can teach you to appreciate the ones you still have in your life. Losing people can teach you to empathize with those who've lost someone, or help someone through their grieving. When you've been there, you know a little bit more about how to help.

Still, knowing that good can come of loss doesn't make the loss any easier to take. Nothing makes it easier. Yes, we have a good God who cares for us, but it doesn't mean we're never going to lose anyone, and it definitely doesn't mean that all pain is taken away.

That's hard. You feel like having a loving God should make everything, everything sweet and joyful, but that just isn't the case most of the time. Don't mistake me -- going through loss doesn't mean that God has deserted you and left you to face things alone. He's still there. But having someone alongside you during a hard time doesn't necessarily make that hard time any easier.

It's like having someone kneeling next to you with an arm around you when you're on your knees throwing up in the bathroom. It doesn't make the nausea go away. You love that someone wants to help, but it doesn't mean that you instantly feel better.

Life just doesn't work that way.

Maybe someday I'll be able to wrap my mind around all this.

*gulp*

Whoa. An eight-year-old just compared me to Katy Perry. This is not good.

I was just trying to get into the spirit of the library's New Year's Eve party by wearing a '50s-style red dress and heeled sandals.

I mean, yes, I have dark hair and dark eyes and am wearing red lipstick, but Katy Perry?

What may be even more disturbing is that a girl that young is familiar enough with Katy Perry to make the comparison.

Yipes.

I *heart* conifers.

I just realized today how much I miss the Adirondacks and the way everything there smells like pine -- cool and green and fresh even on a hot summer day. We used to visit there pretty regularly for quite a few years when I was younger.

It's funny about smells and places -- each area of the country has a different smell. Virginia, which we also used to visit quite a lot when I was younger, smells like pine too, but in a different way. It's a combination of sun-warmed pine sap oozing out of the trees and the hot, dry scent of sandy earth and dead pine needles.

New York has that pine smell also -- but again, in a very different way. New York's pine scent is combined with the damp smell of rotting leaves and clay soil. So much of upstate New York is low, marshy ground, I think you can smell the evidence of that when you visit here. It's not a bad smell. It's just different.

I think the Adirondacks has the purest form of pine scent. It seems unadulterated with other smells. Maybe that area of the country isn't as polluted as the rest. Maybe, unlike downstate, it never gets warm enough during the short summers to rot vegetation. I don't know. It's all interesting stuff, though.

There's nothing like climbing a tree (admittedly, a very short and easy-to-climb tree) and basking in the sun during a warm day, eyes closed, breathing in the scent of pine in all its variety.

Questioning.

No, the title doesn't mean you're (or I'm) going to be hauled in to police headquarters for questioning. Although I probably should be. But even if I were, I wouldn't know the answers to any questions.

That's what this post is about. I'm questioning things. Maybe I should have titled it In Search of Answers.

I need to find a good book that explains what Christians are to do when they're forced by outside occurrences to question things they once thought were pretty much set in stone. Can anyone recommend one? I don't even know how to go about searching for one. What would I look up? Christian ethical dilemmas? Moral quandaries? How to figure out why people aren't who you thought they were?

My pastor says that aside from your relationship with God, little else matters except your relationships with other people, and you're to cultivate them and care for them with utmost effort.

But what if the people you've spent so much time with over the past years turn out to be different people than you thought?

Oh, I don't mean they've been hiding their true personalities and all of a sudden turn out to be violent serial killers when all along you thought they were sweet little lambs. I don't mean that. I just mean that sometimes when you find out what kinds of choices people make, you end up kind of shocked.

Like when you get to know someone you think is sweet, caring, and good, and then find out she's got four children by several different men, is not married, and is currently in a relationship with a married man (and yes, she's fully aware of the fact) who is the father of her latest two kids.

I know a lot of people today don't seem to have a problem with a lifestyle like that. In fact, a lot of Christians don't have a problem with it. I do, though. And I know the Lord wouldn't smile upon it.

Let's not even get into the whole "judge not" issue. That is a discussion for a different day. My problem is this: if I wilfully associate with people who do not share my convictions, is there not a good chance that I'll lose my grasp on who I am? Who I have chosen to be?

I can hear the responses I would get to that if I dared voice this anywhere but my blog..."Maybe your way is wrong then, if you're so easily swayed. Maybe YOU'VE got the wrong ideas, the wrong convictions. Expand your horizons and let other viewpoints into your life. Don't be so narrow-minded."

To these arguments I simply say, "If you've got the right to your opinion, I've got the right to mine."

All of that aside...

Aren't people who make what I would call "sinful" choices supposed to stand out? Aren't they supposed to display some sort of earmark -- like being mean to old people or kicking puppies?

What???

They're....not??

What's a poor clueless average person not blessed with supernatural divining powers to do?

How are we supposed to choose who we associate with when they all seem sweet and nice in spite of their lifestyle choices? Then, once they've become part of your life (even just through workplace interaction), how are you supposed to draw a line between their world and yours when they want the two to intersect?

I mean, it's easy enough to know what to say when they want you to go drinking and clubbing with them. Duh. NO. Not something I do. Thanks anyway.

But what if they just want to "hang out" or invite you over for lunch or a baby shower or something equally innocuous? Then what?

Your spending time with them is seen by them and others as approving their behavior, or at least tolerating it, when the truth is that you cannot in all honesty either approve OR tolerate it.

By saying nothing to them, are you tacitly approving? Or does that fall under the heading of "living your life a different way so you can witness silently"?

Rather than helping untwist the cords of this mess, writing about it is making it seem even more knotty and difficult. Grrr.

Again, if anyone knows of any books on the subject (other than the Bible, of course), I'd gladly take recommendations.

Thanks for listening, y'all.

I don't care.

I think I have a bad case of the "I-don't-care"s.

I'm at the point right now where I don't really care if people get away with stuff or if I don't do things I'm supposed to do or if things don't get done when they need to get done.

If people want something ridiculous, I just shrug, do what they want, and say internally (with a strong desire to say it to their face), "Sure. I'm not supposed to do that, but whatever. I'm not going to waste time arguing with you. Have it your way. You will anyway, no matter what I do."

Some days it feels like almost nobody you deal with ever does the right thing. And some days it doesn't really matter.

Did you ever get to that point?

Maybe I'm just tired.

I'm sure I'll bounce back at some point. I hope. ;)